Why I like living in Granville - Submitted by D

I was emailed this earlier on today from someone I don't even know. 

If it is you, please let me know who you are so I can credit you accordingly. 

Why I like living in Granville

I like living in Granville because of the parks. Granville Park attracts all sorts of crowds – families in the summer, footballers in the autumn, boot camp in the winter, and magpies in the spring. Unfortunately this means that any time of year I want to walk through the park, I’m going to get the shit kicked out me.

I like living in Granville because of high end fashion. We are the fashion capital of Sydney, from ‘real’ Louis Vutton hats, Ed Hardy shirts and Nike TN’s, to Ed Hardy shirts, Dolce & Gabbana man bags, Ed Hardy shirts and Nike TN’s. The variety of fashion that is available is overwhelming.

I like living in Granville because of the style. Because it takes a certain special type of person to pull off a mullet AND ratties at the same time.

I like living in Granville because of the safety. Not only are you 36% less likely to get shot compared to last year, but Granville is the least likely suburb in Sydney to be targeted by terrorists.

I like living in Granville because of the beautiful women. Just because you have a lower back tattoo, a gut that sits over your miniskirt like a lampshade and an arse that looks like something the Ghostbusters would try and destroy, does not mean you’re a whore……..it just means that you’re wearing a whore’s uniform.

I like living in Granville because of the ice cream. In the eastern suburbs, the ice cream man sells ice cream. In Granville, the ice cream man sells ice cream, drinks, chocolate, candy, cocaine, weed, cigarettes and sim cards.

I like living in Granville because of the unique delicacies. Within walking distance in Granville you’ll find a multitude of different flavours from all over the world, from charcoal chicken through to……….charcoal chicken. And for that special occasion, nothing is more popular than charcoal rooster.

I like living in Granville because of the fighting spirit. A survey of Granville males aged 16-28 indicated a sharp increase in the number of kickboxing and UFC champions residing in the area.

I like living in Granville because of the fast food. You may have gotten a cheeseburger instead of the Big Mac you ordered, but that’s only because the person who took your order got out of day care only 4 years ago.

I like living in Granville because of the family bond. It is now more likely than ever that the person you’ve just had sex with is not only related, but has also the shared the bed of 47 different members of your friends and family.

I like living in Granville because of the wise investments. It takes a certain street-smart risk taker to invest their money in a brand new BMW and then park it in front of a house that resembles a cross between a bankrupt mechanics and an Iraqi brothel.

I like living in Granville because of the imagination. Granville is the only place on Earth where concrete is still considered to be some sort of garden.

I like living in Granville because of the friendly people. Simply asking someone for the time generates such kind responses as “Get a watch, dickhead” and “its fuck you o’clock”

I like living in Granville because of the technology. Only people in Granville will respond to the a request to back up their hard drive with the question “How do I put it in reverse?”

I like living in Granville because of the security. People arrested in Granville have the right to remain silent, where anything they say will be misquoted, and then used against them after they’ve been sprinkled with crack.

I like living in Granville because of the opportunity. In Granville, success is governed by the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of being successful, there’s a 90% probability you’ll be killed.

I like living in Granville because of the options. Although money can’t buy love, in Granville it can rent a very close imitation for a few hours.

I like living in Granville because of the nightlife. Clubs nearby have a 1am-2am “Trauma Hour”, where ambulance admissions only cost half the number of stab wounds.

I like living in Granville because of the romance. The success rate of beeping at a girl and requesting that she show you her vagina has risen by 8% since 2003.

I like living in Granville because of the high standard of education. More and more schools means a larger selection of venues for brawls. In addition, there has been a sharp increase in the number of students enrolling to study 2 Unit and General ‘Maffs’.

So if you’re looking for a place in which to buy a house, start a family, and grow old in peace and quiet with relative financial security, try Granville. The extra $648,000 you spend on insurance every year will be worth it….besides, who really wants to live past 45 anyway?

- D