I loved being a child. Things made sense back then - you cried, you got fed; you laughed, you got presents; you tensed your arse, and you shit your pants – no need for complicated “do I scrunch or do I fold” questions.
Sleeping Beauty - A romantic story about a prince who finds a comatose princess and proceeds to sexually assault her under the pretence that she might wake up and then want to marry him. Without consent, this is legally a form of rape. When you watched the Disney cartoon, you actually sat there and watched rape. You sick bastard.
A scene from Drunk Medieval College Bitches 3
Peter Pan – An uplifting story about the joys of childhood, filled with countless acts of kidnapping. Peter Pan flies in to several children’s bedrooms and snatches them away from their loving families, taking them to a foreign country where extradition rules don’t apply. There, the children are forced to fight pirates while their family mourned their loss and taxpayers funded nationwide searches. You ever seen Blood Diamond, where the little child is kidnapped and then slowly de-sensitized into a solider? This is the same thing, except the crazy motherfuckers can fly, and they wear green and sniff dust. If only we had proof that anyone acting like Peter Pan in real life would be a menace to society.
“Welcome to Neverland….give me your hand, don’t be scared."
Goldilocks and the Three Bears – a young girl, with time to kill, decides to break into a house. Once inside, she proceeds to eat the homeowner’s food, breaks their chairs in an act of drug-fuelled vandalism, and then has the fucking nerve to fall asleep in their house. When the bears come back, they’re made out to be the bad guys because their roars scare Goldilocks as she runs away. What kind of a crazy bitch breaks into a house full of not one, not two, but THREE bears? If this happened in real life, Goldilocks would have a 12-gauge wound in her torso, the bears would be acquitted of her homicide in self-defense, and children everywhere would know the reality of a life of crime. Instead, they’re taught that breaking and entering is alright as long as you’re a blonde whore.
Exactly
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Another Caucasian female who finds it necessary to break and enter into the home of a minority group. When the dwarves find Snow White, their first inclination is to boot her out of the house, but when they find out she can cook and clean, they see an opportunity to keep her as a maid/sex slave/orgy participant, and decide she can stay. What’s worse, however, is the obvious drug syndicate run by what animals in the forest refer to as “The Seven”, with each of the dwarves named after the side-effects of the many drugs they manufacture – want some Ketamine? Call Sleepy. Want Ecstasy? Give Happy a ring. Dopey is the weed man, and if you’re looking for coke, look no further than the Doc. Characters throughout the story are so clearly tripping the fuck out that they talk to their mirrors as if the reflection they see is a completely different person.
“Mirror Mirror, on the wall, where the fuck can I get an 8-ball”
The dwarves masquerade as miners during the day, which is odd because nobody with names like Sneazy, Sleepy and Dopey would be trusted on a multi-million dollar mining project, especially if they were dwarves. And now with the introduction of the mining super profits tax, their drugs business is sure to get more focus by auditors, which is good, because no one should have to tolerate drug-dealing Amish midgets.
“Whatever your poison, thou art your man!”
Brer Rabbit – Cute little rabbit and his friends play mischievous games like sneaking in to the cranky old farmer’s paddock and taking a few pieces of cabbage and some carrots to eat, as cute rabbits do. The cute little rabbits scamper off into the night as the angry old farmer runs out of his house with his pitchfork and curses the rabbits for trespassing on his property. Sounds pretty run of the mill “cute animal vs. angry bastard farmer” style story telling right?
What you don’t hear about is how the farmer’s just come out of a year long drought in which his family’s farming estate has been ravaged by economic and environmental downturn, ensuring a monumental financial loss and severe bout of depression. What few crops he has managed to grow have been used to feed his family, who are bordering on starvation and have their ribs showing through their shirts like it’s the holocaust. Farmer comes outside to find some fucking rabbits stealing what accounts for about 80% of his crops, and after chasing them off he now has the horrible task of going inside to his wife and telling her that they’ll be without food for the upcoming winter, during which one of his kids dies. You poor bastard.
Where you belong you crop-eating motherfucker.
– D
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